Have You Ever Been Ghosted?

Have you ever been ghosted? So You've Been DumpedHave You Ever Been Ghosted?

#TBT: Archive Post…

Have you been Ghosted? Do you know what that means? I’d never heard the word until the other day with on the phone with a friend and it made me laugh, though, when it happens to you it’s no laughing matter.

Ghosting is the act of being the victim of the disappearing ex. It’s when you’re dating someone or in a full blown relationship – happy texting, emailing and speaking to this person daily – only to one day have all communication stop.

Poof! They’re gone.

From that point on, all texts, voicemails, letters or emails go unanswered. Not a peep. And you’re left wondering what went wrong.

In some crazier cases you may even be wondering if they’re still alive? (Surely they must be dead if they’re not calling you back?)

Your brain can’t work out how you can go from constant contact to no contact in the blink of an eye.

Well, unfortunately you’re not alone.

In fact, I’ve had it happen to me on more than one occasion over the last twenty years.

It’s always been baffling to me how you can be so close to someone one day, and yet have radio silence the next.

Ghosting may be a new name but it is certainly not new. People have been pulling the vanishing act for decades now – or longer.
It’s just that now that it has the catchy title: ghosting.
Here are a few of my tips to dealing with being ghosted.

1) Don’t Make it About You…

Is it your fault? Did you behave badly? Did you love them too much? Did you not communicate your feelings well enough? Was it something you did or didn’t do? Said or didn’t say?

The questions can be maddening, I know. I’ve asked them all myself.

Maybe you did or said something wrong and maybe not – but whatever the case may be, when someone does this sort of vanishing act, it often says much more about the one who chooses to disappear than it does the one being disappeared on.

Do you know what? Hear me when I say this:

This is probably not about YOU.

Hard as that is to believe right now.

More likely it’s about their ability to be in a relationship right now (or a lack of ability).
In the old days, I’d get so angry, hurt, indignant when it happened to me. I’d literally want to scream “coward” in their face (if they could be found)…but now I tend to try to see things from both sides.
Instead of simply reacting now to these ghosts, I try to imagine the situation from the dissenter’s shoes.
Why has he or she gone away?
Before I knew better, I’d blame myself for being not good enough in some way…(my self-perceived shortcomings varied from relationship to relationship).
But then I actually had some of my “Ghosts” come back…sometimes it was weeks others it was months (or longer) later but return they did.
And each time, when they did come back, they explained reasons that had nothing to do with me. I’d wasted so much time trying to figure them out, trying to work out how I’d screwed it up, and then, more often than not, it turned out it had nothing to do with me.
It was work, or health, or family issues – or some other conflict that wasn’t really anything to do with me. I was just the easiest one to cut from their lives (temporarily).

2) Avoid Chasing a Ghost

It’s a natural reaction to want answers. You feel like you need closure so you hound them with texts, emails, or voicemails etc. If they haven’t replied to one or two – then back off. If someone is pulling away – let them go.
If there’s a reason to apologise then do so once and be done with it. You don’t need to chase anyone who’s walked away from you. Look in the mirror and remind yourself you are worthy of love and if someone can’t see it they’re not right for you. You don’t have to chase them down and beat them until they succumb. If someone can’t see your worth they’re not worthy of your love.

Every week someone would come to SYBD or to the SYBD Facebook page to tell me their story about the ghosting ex. They often start out the same – things were great, all kinds of communication and then BAM – nothing. Crickets.

Usually at this point they have already reached out one – or a dozen times – with no response. And they’re asking for my magical advice to say “just the right thing” that will illicit a response. The perfectly composed message to bring the ex back. I wish such words existed but the fact is they don’t.

If a person has chosen to leave your life – whether with warning or simply disappearing on you – then you have your answer. Someone either wants to be with you or they don’t. If they don’t then all the words or gestures are likely to be fruitless.

3) Remember You’re Still Worthy

‘A Course in Miracles‘ talks about there being only two emotions ever – Love and Fear.

All of our behaviour stems from one or the other, at least in its simplest form.

So if we take that theory – that says when an ex disappears it’s likely stemming from some sort of fear. Well it’s certainly not out of “love”, is it?

It may be they’re afraid of how you’ll react if you’re told “it’s over” face to face.

They may be worried they’re not worthy of love on some level (not good enough, smart enough, sexy enough or worthy of love). A lot of people feel that way at the deepest core.

So the fact is you have to remember that you’re still worthy regardless of what any else does or says. Because you are. I refer you to point number one.
Share Your Ghosting Story in the Comments Below - SYBD

Have you been ghosted?

Tell me your story in the comments bellow if you have ever been ghosted.
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11 Replies to “Have You Ever Been Ghosted?”

  1. It hurts bad. But I’m over it, I think she did it so she can get over me easier. It didn’t help me, it made it harder, but I did get over her. Still would like to talk to her though, but I guess that’s never going to happen.

    1. Hey B how you doing now? I never say never when it comes to exes (or anything really). People ebb and flow from our lives – our ex boyfriends/girlfriends are no different. Some people thought I’d never see or speak to again have returned to my life on down the road…so yeah you never know hon! x

      1. So the guy who dumped and ghosted me 6 months ago for someone else messaged me few days ago saying he wants to meet and apologize…i had almost moved on from him…as much as i am tempted to meet him, the other side my mind tells me not to…cz i feel i cant trust him…im so interested in knowing what he has to say though cz i never expecteded him to contact again…whats ur advise?

      2. Honestly M, I am not surprised at all. I have totally been there. I had an article on So You’ve Been Dumped that was about how exes have a 6th sense when they know we’re moving on or moved on, they resurface. What I recommend is probably not necessarily what I’d do…I’d suggest you DO NOT meet up but I can totally understand why you’d be tempted. You need to ask yourself what you’d HOPE for from the meeting…Reconciliation? Just to clear the air? I’d say follow your gut…but really make sure you can handle hearing whatever it is your ex has to say….

  2. I dated a guy for 7 months…we really got along and he gave me so many good memories. the last time we met we had a perfect day which ended in 3 goodbye kisses. and then all of a sudden the messages reduced, the meetings were over…one day when I messaged the guy, he blocked me…when I tried contacting him from another number he said he cant be in touch cz he was in a relation…. at 1st I was in denial…but when I stalked his FB profile (I shouldn’t have) it was infact true…he was in a relation that too with his Ex!!!!!!!! I wouldn’t have minded if he had broken up with me in person and rather stayed friends…but using me, cheating on me and then ghosting me was very disrespectful and hurts even today after 5 months….having a difficult time moving on as I am stuck with only the good memories…would never imagine him to do this…he used to behave like a charming gentleman…guess it was an act

    1. I am so sorry to hear that hon. Sounds familiar and painful. 5 months? Ditch the hurt and move on. Not a moment more being hurt, angry, resentful over him. You’re better than all that. He’s not worth it! Hugs xo

      1. I am trying my best to move on but my mind is stuck….I feel I am still in a shocked state of mind cz I was not expecting things to happen that way…im bad at losing people that too without warning….and worst part is I have seen recent pics of him with the girl….sometimes I get nightmares of him romanticising her the way he did with me…

      2. No one likes to lose people – warning or not…and you had no control over what went down but what you do have control over is what you do now. If someone can do that to you then they’re not worth your tears. And whatever you do, try not to look. No good comes from cyber-snooping! Ignorance is bliss. Hugs x

  3. I still write to him everyday. I just don’t hit send and believe you me, they aren’t very nice. I now live my life that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you don’t say anything at all. That’s why you will never hear from me again!

    This site has actually helped me when facing rejection over the past year. I appreciate it.

    1. I have read this a lot that u should write letters but never send…somehow i couldn’t resonate with it…i wrote a last email to my guy…but instead of writing bad things, i wrote good things, about how i felt when i was with him, the fact that i know the truth and also forgiving him….i did send it to him, never got a reply, never expected a reply…but from my end, i got closure knowing that i conveyed my last feelings to him and chose to be a better mature person….way more than he would ever be…so it depends from person to person

      1. Well of course, I can totally appreciate that. I am all for the “Thank you letter to my ex”. I’ve done it. I too didn’t get a reply.

        On the old SYBD blog there was my actual letter. And several posts about writing letters to exes – all with all kinds of food for thought.

        So there is no cookie cutter solution when it comes to getting over a breakup. Ever person is different. Every relationship different. Every break up different.

        What matters is the motivation behind writing it…and the expectation. If you just want to say some things you need to say, it can be cathartic to write it all out…especially if you’re ok with not getting a reply! More often than not, twenty years of experience on So You’ve Been Dumped tells me that the majority of people don’t get a reply…often the ex doesn’t know what to say.

        So if one is writing to simply draw a line under everything, great, but if they’re writing to try to persuade an ex to come back, or in any way begging etc, then it’s best to just write it out and not send it. Or use a No Contact journal for those conversations that are perhaps best kept private! 🙂 But aye, you’re right, it varies from person to person…

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