SYBD: 5 of the Most Common Worries After a Breakup
Apologies for the lack of blogging here on recently re-located SYBD blog, but my father passed away two days before Christmas. So, to be honest with you, blogs about breakups were not the forefront of my mind.
But yesterday, while clearing through old photos, journals and papers, I found a sheet of paper with some of the most common worries after a break up written on it. I thought I’d share what some of them were.
Maybe you can relate. Maybe you have others, and if so, feel free to leave them in the comments below…
“No one will ever love me or find me sexy again”
Oh boy, haven’t we all been there? Or, at least, most of us have.
After a breakup, it can be almost impossible to imagine but thankfully that fear is likely to fade away in time. Take it from someone who launched SYBD almost two decades ago, I never met anyone who didn’t move on, and have someone find them sexy again, who didn’t want to.
Some people haven’t moved on to new relationships but that’s often more out of choice, and not the fact they are not fanciable any more!
It’s worth pointing out that just because your ex no longer wants to be with you, doesn’t mean someone else won’t think you’re totally hot stuff.
“I’ll never have another relationship ever again”
Similarly to number one, this one is so incredibly common, and it can last for weeks, months (and for some years) after a breakup.
Again, this is often by choice though. Usually with a bit of time, distance and healing, people change their tune about relationships.
I learned a long time to ago to “never say never” – because as I always say right after that is, “as soon as you do, the universe makes a liar out of you”.
This one can also be “I’ll never love again”. From what I’ve seen around here, for almost twenty years now, is that people do, by and large, do go on to love again.
And those who do want a relationship again have them. Not always, but usually.
“I’ll never succeed at anything”
Again it’s never a good idea to use “never” about anything.
This fear is more a statement about not feeling “enough” – good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough – or insert your “enough” – as you see fit.
Honestly we all have these thoughts from time to time. It isn’t solely isolated to a break up, but something like this can be triggered by a split.
Remind yourself you are enough and you can, and will, succeed if you truly want to.
I believe you can, but it’s more important that you believe you can and that you strive to succeed in whatever you hope to be a success at. You might just aim to be successfully over your ex. That’s a great start.
“No one will ever ‘get me’ like my ex did”
Another fearful thought about a dumpee’s future is that no one will ever get them, meaning understand or appreciate us, like their ex did.
After a break up or a divorce it certainly feels that way, but honestly it’s probably not the case, it just feels like it when you’re in the midst of the angst and pain.
Will a future partner get you the exact same? No, maybe not, but they may get you in ways your current ex never did. Who knows?
The chances are, again, that if you want to go on to have a happy, healthy and loving relationship in the future, once you’ve healed, you will. Trust in that.
“I’m never gonna be happy again”
Oh, that old chestnut…When you’re in a heap of pain, reeling from a breakup, it can seem like you’re drowning in that misery.
It can feel so bad that you think you’ll never be able to ever feel good again.
Those dark days can last for days on end, stretch to weeks even months, to be sure…for some people it can even last years, but between you and me, those people are choosing that.
Getting over it is a choice that you need to make.
You may be weeks, or even months down the road right now, and though I don’t expect you to be “over it” necessarily, but I’d hope by now you want to get over it….
Ask: am I a victim or a survivor? The choice is wholly down to you, boo.
What Are You Afraid of?
Are you going through a break up or divorce? What thoughts keep you up at night? What do you worry will or won’t happen in your future?
Those listed were just a few of the fifteen or so I had written down on my sheet of paper but again most of them simply boil down to being or feeling “not good enough” in some way. Many of us have some of those thoughts even when we’re not going through breakups. We can end up questioning everything – about our ex, our relationships and about ourselves.
If you’re going to ask questions, do me a favour and ask good ones…like “what can I learn from this experience?” and “how can I best bounce back to something better for me?”