SYBD’s Guide on How to Get Over a Break Up – Including Thea’s 10 Tips (Revisited 2019)

How to Get Over a Breakup - Broken Heart - Thea's 10 Tips to Get Over It (Revisited 2019)

Are You Searching for Advice On How to Get Over a Breakup? Read On…

Well, after three breakups, and having launched a website/forum So You’ve Been Dumped in July of 2000, I think I know a thing or two about the subject matter at hand.

Here’s an SYBD Archive post that I wrote more than a dozen years ago, but relationship breakups are so universal and timeless that they remain just as relevant today…I’ve had to update it a bit as social media has changed how we communicate, but other than that, it’s mostly still the same.

Thea’s 10 Tips to Get Over It (A Breakup That Is)

Breaking up is hard to do – but it’s something we all  go through at one time or another. Well, most of us do anyway.

Relationship breakups seem to affect us similarly – whether we are young or old, male or female, gay or straight, rich or poor, and irrespective of where we are in the world.

Below are a few of my soyouvebeendumped.com suggestions that will hopefully help you decrease your recovery time a little, and maybe minimize the amount of mistakes made along the way. Well that’s my intention. Let’s go!

Going through a breakup? Make a Clean Break with Your Ex

1) Make a “clean break” – Avoid Being FBs

As tempting as it is, if you are still in love with your EX, and he or she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings and intensity, then you’re better off making a clean break.

I call it E.R. (“Emotional Rehab”) – which is basically just my way of saying “time to go cold turkey” with an ex.

Most people choose to ignore my advice, and remain their ex’s friend – somehow imagining if they do continue to be this wonderful, supportive friend, their EX will miraculously see the err of their ways – and take them back. That so seldom happens.

Now some of you will insist on remaining “friends” with your ex (or have to due to classes, jobs or children together), so if you are attempting this, be sure to set some ground rules. For example, do not discuss your former relationship, your new partners, or anything else that you know to be a potentially volatile subject. Resist every urge in you to ask those personal questions – most of the time the answers hurt! Keep conversations relevant to work, children or classes and away from any emotional topics. It is not easy, but it is achievable.

Eventually many non-believers come back to SYBD and say they finally had to take my advice and “cut contact”, because it really is too hard trying to be someone’s “buddy” – when you’re wanting more. This is especially true when your EX starts seeing someone new and starts asking you for advice (yes really!) or tries to share the gory details. No thanks. You’re better off saying – “I care for you, and maybe in time, when I am over the pain, we can resume a friendship.”

While it is rare, in some instances, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder and they do realize what they have been missing and reconciliation is on the cards. In others, the time apart actually serves to make you see the relationship for how it really was, and shocking as this may be to you right now, in time you just may realize you don’t want to be their friend after all! Finally, after you are over your EX and no longer harbor secret desires to get back together then you can really become “just friends”.

Here’s my tutorial on whether or not exes can be friends…

2) Erase Your Ex’s Telephone Number 

Remove your Ex's number from your phone - Especially to avoid drunk Dialing and texting

As text messaging is such a HUGE thing, you’d be wise to delete their name and number from your mobile phone (and address book) straight away. You may also be able to bar their number from your phone too. Deleting your ex’s details will save you phoning or texting at 4am to ask “Why? Why? Why?” you were dumped, or save you from begging your ex, drunkenly, to take you back. That method seldom (if ever) works for reconciliation.

It often has the adverse effect. Who enjoys getting woken up in the middle of the night by someone’s incoherent rantings? Or by being bombarded by text messages from someone that just doesn’t seem to get the hint.

3) Delete Old Messages & Conversations

If you can bring yourself to, DELETE all of the old emails, texts, instant messaging conversations between you, then do it.

If that seems to drastic, I get that. At least consider putting them onto a memory stick, hard drive or anywhere that will take a bit of effort to get access to so that you won’t be tempted to continually re-read each one over and over.

You will just end up torturing yourself. I know I’ve done it!

Similarly to number two – remove and block them from your buddy lists and social media channels.

I know you think it’s a minor offense, even quite harmless, to keep in touch with your ex via email, messenger, WhatsApp or whatever you’re using to communicate with your ex, but honestly, the only one you’re fooling is yourself.

I know, honestly, I’m guilty of this one too!

Often you just end up spying on them, checking to see when they are online (and wondering who they are talking to if it’s not you!), analysing each message they send you, or worse yet, you get hurt when they tell you they are off “out” that night (and don’t say where). It’s an absolute nightmare, why put yourself through all that?

Or maybe you’re stalking them on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat (or any other platform you’re on)…If you are, you are probably driving yourself crazy with your cyber-snooping.

In a weird sort of way, keeping in touch electronically is a form of denial. It’s a way of staying in the relationship even when the other person isn’t physically there anymore.

After six months or so have passed, if you decide you want to, then you can add them back to whatever list you want, and allow them to see you again on theirs.

Hopefully enough time will have past where you are better able to handle being in touch.

Box Up Mementos from and Of Your Ex and keep them out of site until you've gotten over your breakup

4) Box Up the Mementos

Put away the letters, pictures and any personal belongings of or from your ex. Box them up and put them in a closet or somewhere equally out of sight.

I have known some people to have ceremonial burnings, but that may be a bit drastic, and after you’re calmer and have healed, you may even regret it.

For starters, just box up all of the stuff until you feel ready to face it. Eventually you’ll be able to look at the holiday snaps without feeling sick to your stomach, but probably not right now.

In a year’s time, if you do still feel like torching the stuff, then do it somewhere safe – like the beach!

More than likely if you’ve done some healing, and some forgiving, you’ll be able to look at those items without any negative energy or emotion attached to them.

SYBD Breakup Advice: Keep a Journal - No Contact or Breakup Lines

5) Keep a Journal

You should never underestimate the power of pouring the words out onto a page. This is even good for men as well as women. In fact, it’s generally exceptionally good for men, as a lot of men don’t have an outlet for their emotions and pain. Men, historically speaking, have been less incline to open up and talk about their feelings for fear of feeling weak. For anyone who’s not open to the idea of expressing their emotions and pain, then a journal is a great place to get those feelings out in a healthy way.

A journal can be so helpful to document our recovery. During the healing process often we don’t feel like we are improving, and the notebook or diary will show you just how far you have come. Take a bit of time to do some reading after a few weeks or months, you will be amazed.

Writing out your feelings, pain, anger, hurt, sadness, is incredibly cathartic. Keeping a journal just may stop you from saying things to your EX you may later regret. I highly recommend writing letters to your EX that you don’t actually send.

If you are interested in writing, check out this No Contact Journal and Daily Planner post or head straight to see all SYBD journals on Amazon

Self-care is the new healthcare - pamper yourself after a breakup

6) Self-Care – Spoil Yourself

This is something that both men and women can, and need to, do. Basically self-care is the new health care and there is seldom a better time to really look after yourself than when going through a breakup.

Do something so simple as to having a manicure, facial or a massage. Or, maybe purchase that nifty gadget you’ve had your eye on. Both men and women can also benefit from picking up some new items of clothing that make us feel sexy. We all want to feel attractive. Treat yourself as you would want that someone ‘special’ to treat you. Have candle lit dinners – with all of your favorite foods – just for you. You’re worth it.

Buy New Bedding - 10 Tips to Get Over a Breakup

7) Buy New Bedding – (Or Change Your Surroundings)

It may sound silly, but this is one of my favorite recommendations after a breakup.

It’s a very powerful step that you can take to cleanse the situation and start fresh.

I have known some people to actually go out and buy whole new beds. If you can afford it, and need it, then go for it.

There is something to be said for sleeping in bedding with no history and no memories.

The same can be said by changing the wallpaper or repainting an area – to make it more of your own. Move the furniture around. Shake it up. Make your home your home. Surround yourself in your home with things that make you feel comfortable. Pictures of family and friends who really love you and support you may be a very good start.

Been dumped? Resist Rebounding as a Means of Helping You Get Over a Breakup

8) Resist Rebounding

Give yourself plenty of time to heal from your break-up. Many people begin dating before they have really recovered.

It is almost as if they get bored of the pain and the whole healing process, so they suddenly grab the next random person who happens to show a little kindness and BAM!

It’s a fantastic theory but it doesn’t usually work that way.

Try refrain from immediately trying to find someone to replace your EX and fill that void. Better to work through your pain fully, before returning to the dating pool.

While there is something to be said for rebound sex, they can sometimes do more harm than good.

We’ve all heard “the best way to get over a man (or woman) is to get another one”.

Don’t bet on it. Dating too soon often leads to comparisons to your EX, can make you feel lonelier than not dating did, and might actually set you back further, emotionally, than before you had started to date again.

As much as we think this bright, sexy, intelligent person makes us feel so good, at the end of the day, they won’t really be able to fill this VOID in you.

Only YOU can really make YOU happy. So the trick is to be happy within yourself before you start to date again.

I know it’s a challenge to wait, to really heal, and that rebounding is tempting, but trust me, they often end in tears.

9)  Tune Out Negative Self-TalkTune Out That Negative Self-Talk and Be Your Own Best Friend

After an ex has walked away, there is a tendency slip into negative “self talk” and to worry about so many things. We’ve had many posts over the years about dumpee’s worries…but a few examples of things men and women worry about are as follows:

  • will I ever be loved again
  • have sex again
  • can I ever trust anyone again
  • am too old, too fat, too dumb or too anything (insert your thing here) to ever be happy and fulfilled again.

These worries are all highly unlikely, so relax! Dispel thoughts like that immediately and replace them with positive affirmations of your own self worth.

Remember, just because your EX may no longer find you desirable or want to be in a relationship with you, doesn’t mean that no one else ever will. It just means your EX doesn’t. So what? You are still you. You are still whole, complete and perfect just as you are and it will do you good to keep reminding yourself of that.

10) Take Charge of Your Life

Use your time to alone to focus on yourself and your own goals in life. Develop a personal plan and get on with it. Focus on your work, your health, your home life – whatever.

You may want to take a course in cooking, take up mountain climbing, pick up a new hobby,  learn to dance – whatever you have always wanted to try…Now is the time.

Buy a house, a motorcycle, travel the world, finish or get a degree, retrain for a new career, or go for that promotion at work.

The world is your oyster!

Get up off the sofa as soon as you can and take action.

While some regrouping time is necessary, at some point you should try to get in yourself back in shape and back in the land of the living. If you’ve lost a lot of weight (due to that lack of appetite!) then it’s time to put it back on – and vice versa if you’ve packed on some breakup weight.

Start eating right and treating your body with the respect it deserves – it’s not the one who dumped you!

Go running, walking, biking or to the gym to get the endorphins swimming through you. You’ll feel better if you do, and you will project that to all you meet.

How to Tell You’re Over Your Ex

Finally, one of the most frequently asked questions I have ever been asked on soyouvebeendumped.com is “How will I know when I am really over my ex?”

I think a good gauge to being over it – is if you no longer harbor feelings and desires of getting back together.

Not only that, but you can actually think of your EX having sex with someone else and it doesn’t feel like your heart’s just been ripped out of your chest and was stomped on.

If you can do that and feel nothing but ambivalence, or can wish them both well, then congrats you’re probably over it.

What are Your Tips on How to Get Over a Breakup?

Have you got any tips on how to get over it? What’s helping you now or has helped you in the past? What do you wish you knew at the beginning of your recovery path that you learned on down the road? What, if anything, would you do different about your breakup recovery if you could get a do-over.

Thanks for stopping by.

Thea

PS: Here are my 12 Stages of a Breakup…(It’s long but there is some real food for thought, I promise you)

And another video I’ve just come across recently which may be helpful if you’re trying to get over a relationship breakup.

SYBD MEDIA’s 99 Funny Breakup Lines Journal – Out Now on Amazon!

99 Funny Breakup Lines from So You've Been Dumped.com

99 Funny Breakup Lines Journal

Finally after many years in the making and about 6 years creating journals for KDP I finally had a light bulb moment to compile some of the breakup lines that have been submitted to soyouvebeendumped.com since I  launched it on the 4th July 2000

People truly say the darndest things when it comes to ending a relationship.

Breakup excuses often refer to their ex’s age, appearance, family, religion, or a simple lack of feelings toward the person.

The parting words in this breakup lines are classic, crazy and some are downright cringe-worthy. All of which have been submitted to SYBD over the years.

Many of these dumping lines you’ll recognize, as they are often cliches, or they’ve been pinched and used on other sites (some stole whole pages of our content).

Some of SYBD’s lines were even used on Apps without permission.

In any event, I have kept a note of each and every line sent into the site over the years.

Submit Your Breakup Line to So You've Been Dumped for future journals

Volume 2 (3, and 4…More)

Though it took years and years to make this simple little journal, it’s only taken days to compile volume two which is already in the final stages of completion.

It won’t be hard to make a third breakup lines book either.  Again, I have spreadsheets of them…

So it’s not too late, I would welcome your line if you’d like to submit it to the comments.

Grab Your Copy

Pick up SYBD Media’s first ever 99 Breakup Lines Journal on Amazon US here.Or grab it on Amazon UK here. (It’s also available on many other Amazon websites, simply search for the title).

If you’re trying to get over a breakup and practicing no contact that maybe one of SYBD’s NC Journal or Planners may be a better choice for you.

Thank you for stopping by. I’ll be sharing more helpful advice and tips on getting over a relationship breakup soon.

In the meantime see  Big and Little Tips to Do After a Breakup Here.

Celebrating Independence and 19 Years

SYBD Celebrates Independence & 19 Years

It’s the 4th of July and so I thought I’d hop on and very quickly say, “Hey, we are still here” after 19 years! Happy anniversary to us. Or maybe it should be “Happy Birthday” because SYBD has always felt like my “baby”. I birthed it, but it took on a life of its own over the years.

It’s 2019 and that means I’ve been running SYBD – in its various incarnations – a forum, then a blog – for a large chunk of my lifetime now.

It was launched after three consecutive breakups of my own – a husband, a rebound and a would-be-priest (A story for another day).

SYBD was launched deliberately on the 4th of July, out of personal, (arguably bitter at the time) experience. It was my way of “getting over” my breakup/s or turning pain into gain.

At the time, there were no other forums or sites for people to share their stories, their pain as well as their personal and emotional victories too.

I’ve Seen All Kinds of Breakups

In the last two decades, almost, I’ve seen just about every type of breakup. I’ve seen the most crazy breakups, ghostings/disappearances, betrayals, and revenge stories too. After a while, I’ll be honest with you, it all got to be too much negativity and heartbreak for me. I had to step back and away from the breakups before I had a breakdown.

Seeing people in so much pain, and at their lowest ebb, can take its toll on even the most positive of people.

Site members would heal and move on and I’d often never see them again – usually only getting to witness their agony – and seldom their glory and renewal.

It would be impossible to not have effected me, and my view of the human condition and relationships on the whole.

sybd-new

Is It Time for a New SYBD for 2020?

In spite of the pain I felt personally, and witnessed from the sidelines, SYBD remains one of proudest and most rewarding feats to date.

Deep down I have known that I never really wanted to fully let go of SYBD, but for my own sanity and health, I needed to back off to go forward on down the road.

Now enough time has passed, I have been feeling a spark of love for my “baby”. To that end, I am considering re-launch SYBD in time for its 20th anniversary next year.

I’d love to hear what you readers out there, who’ve been looking for breakup support and advice, would like to see on a website. Forums were big when we launched in 2000, but now not so much. Maybe they’ll make a comeback. I am not sure but I am all ears.

How can I help you heal from your heartbreak of a breakup or divorce? Please let me know.

Did you see we have our own SYBD No Contact Journals and Planners available on Amazons around the world?  You can read a bit more about them in my last post SYBD NC Journal. Thanks for stopping by. Thea xo

SYBD NC Journal & Daily Planner

no-contact-journal (1)

SYBD NC Journal & Daily Planner: To Help You Move On

Back in 2000, on So You’ve Been Dumped‘s forums, I believe we pretty much introduced the whole concept of “no contact” (also known as the “no contact rule” or simply NC) – as a way of getting over your ex.

Now SYBD is almost 19 years old, and we’re celebrating that anniversary with a brand new ‘NC Journal and Daily Planner’. It’s a 365 Day no contact diary designed to help anyone who is practicing NC after a breakup or dating situation.

Have Something to Say to Your Ex? Say It Here, NOW.

Arguably one of SYBD’s most popular forum posts was started in around 2006 and called the Dead Message Office. It had many thousands of views and hundreds of comments. It wasn’t started by me, sadly, I wished it had been, it was amazing. The thread was place to allow dumpees to vent anything they wanted to say to their ex. Whenever your wanted to say something, anything at all – big or small, you just opened that thread and added whatever it was you wanted to say to him or her.

It was painful to read at times, because it featured every raw emotion imaginable – the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, and anything and everything in between.

Eventually when the SYBD forum itself closed, I resurrected that popular topic in a post called Have Something to Say to Your Ex, Say It Here Now...which, too, became one of our most popular blog posts over the past decade.

Again hundreds of responses on it – which therefor has inspired this line of journals and day planners. (I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to launch it as I’ve been doing journals and planners for around five months now…but better late than never).

No Contact & Exes – A Bastardized Technique

Over the last two decades (nearly), no contact has often become bastardized, to be more of a tactic to win an ex back.

I’ve never been a fan of trying to do anything to get your ex back, but rather advocate focusing on yourself and your own healing.

Sure, sometimes no contact can lead to reconciliation, but that is not my reason for recommending it. No contact gives a person the chance to do a bit of healing, growing, and learning – without all the temptation that calls, texts, chats and sex with an ex can bring.

You should never have to coerce, persuade, or win an ex back. Someone either wants to be with your or they don’t. Winning doesn’t come into it when it comes to exes.

Work on being your best self for the best results going forward…Maybe you’ll reconcile and maybe you won’t but either way you’ll be all the better for the experience.

The SYBD NC Journal & Daily Planner – What it Is and Who It Helps

The SYBD NC Journal and Daily Planner is my no contact journal and year-long day planner which has launched on Amazon this week. (More will be launching soon but let’s explain what this one is all about for now).

Both the title and its cover were deliberately designed to be totally inconspicuous and gender neutral. In fact the title is only printed on the spine!

It’s a fairly compact 6″ x 9″, 365-day planner, with a page a day that contains an hourly break down.

There’s a bit of space to keep a note of what “no contact day” it is for you and what percent of your thoughts were consumed by your ex. (Note: Sorry but if you break no contact, you need to start your count over. Thems the rules.)

Screenshot 2019-06-20 at 1.44.06 PM

As for the thoughts about your ex, that bit is designed to show you your progress as time goes on.

It is likely that, in a matter of days or weeks or possibly months, that your percentage should drop to almost nothing,…That my friends honestly that’s an awesome feeling. When you realize you have barely thought about your ex (or even not at all), it’s a good day indeed.

The second area for short notes found on the right hand side is labelled “What I want to say to my ex today”.

There isn’t a large amount of space, so it might be something simple like: “I miss you” or “I hate you” or “I had a dream about you…” Anything really can be jotted down in short form fashion*.

Screenshot 2019-06-20 at 1.44.26 PM

This premier NC Journal edition, available now, starts on July 1, 2019 and goes until June 31, 2020, but my plan is to update the inside of the book on a monthly basis.

*Another NC Journal will be launching soon and will have much more space to write everything you want to say and truly vent to your heart’s content. That one is coming before SYBD’s 19th birthday on July 4, 2019.

By the way, if you have ideas of what you’d like in a NC journal or diary, leave a comment below or message me:  info @ soyouvebeendumped.com and I will see what I can do for you!

Look for the Good and Praise It!

Finally, at the bottom of every single page of your NC day planner, there is space to write about the good things that happened that day.

My mother used to have a hair salon in our house, in the 1970s, and on the mirror there, a bumper sticker read, “look for the good and praise it”. It wasn’t until I was dumped in 1999 by a soulmate, that I really started to understand what the childhood sticker meant.

The thing to remember is, the more you actively look for good, the more good you start to notice (and even attract, but that’s a different kind of journal, about manifesting!)

Screenshot 2019-06-20 at 1.44.43 PM

So use this space to write down the good things that happened to you, or that you witnessed, and anything that you may be grateful for.

It’s all about that attitude of gratitude. Eventually you may surprise yourself by being grateful that you’re no longer with your ex! Truly. It happens more often than you think.

Trust me, I’ve been running SYBD for almost twenty years, most people bounce back to something better after a break up. They not only survive but they thrive. You can too, I promise you, but only if you want to.

Pick Up the ‘SYBD NC Journal and Daily Planner’ Today.

Click the lighthouse pic to buy the SYBD No Contact Journal and Day Planner

Thanks for reading. If you do want to vent to your ex, feel free to do it the comments below.

Or you can buy the new SYBD NC Journal and Daily Planner on Amazon US or Amazon UK (or click the lighthouse pic).

Please note: The NC journal’s also available on other Amazon’s around the world – including Germany, France, Spain, Italy and Japan!

Watch this space for the SYBD No Contact Journal – it’s coming really soon!

Big and Little Things to Do After a Breakup

This is just a light-hearted list of suggestions of things to consider when recovering from a breakup. Some of this list of breakup advice will be one-offs but many are ongoing recommendations.

The list should be equally useful to both men and women – at least that is my intention. It’s kind of long so grab a drink and sit down and scan the list. Feel free to add your own breakup advice or tips at the end. (Also let me know if there are any typos, would you? Thanks!)

Buy New Bedding

Let’s start with one of my favorite tips. There is something wonderful about sleeping in new bedding that is tainted with memories of an ex. Of course this one is more relevant to those whose ex has actually been in their bed but it can work either way.

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Travel

Travel, see new places, learn new things, and get a different perspective on life, love and your former relationship. It can be day trips, over-nighters, weekend breaks, proper vacations, or even around the world – whatever your budget allows.

Retail Therapy

Sometimes treating yourself to something you really want can be very therapeutic. It can be some new clothes, a gadget, even a car. Again, whatever your budget allows. The trick is only spending what you can afford to spend and not do crazy impulse purchases that land you in debt. Shop responsibly guys!

Set Goals

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After my biggest breakup ever, I ended up making lots of goals. They were things like getting a house, a car, a new job, reading more, getting more fit, the list was quite long. And you know what? When I read it back six months to a year later, I’d achieved almost all the goals on my list. It’s a good idea to have big and small goals. In the early days a goal may be to get out of bed and into the shower!

Read Positive Books

It’s fair to say that this is a suggestion I’d make to everyone – whether they’re going through a break up or not! But it’s exceptionally important to fill your head with positive things, daily, and especially at bed time when you’re healing from a loss of love. Ready things that change the way you think, that make you feel better and healthier.

Get a Makeover

This is good advice – whether you’re male or female. We can all use a bit of a change, in hair color or style, or maybe with some new clothes. Just consider doing anything that might make you feel a little bit more desirable.

Volunteer at a Home, Hospital or Charity

One way to focus less on your own pain or problems is to help others in some way. Is there a charity that you would like to support? Could you donate some of your time to an old folk’s home, in a hospital or anywhere. Maybe you’d like to work specifically with animals? Anything is cool as long you’re being of service to others. It’ll go a long way to making you feel better about yourself.

Delete Their Contact Details (& Block If Necessary)

What an empowering step it is to remove them from your phone – not just your ex’s phone number but those chats and texts too. By removing them from your phone, it will help remove the temptation to reach out and contact them. Of course you may have memorized the number or have it stashed somewhere but at least it will give you a few hurdles to jump through if you get tempted to break no contact. It will also stop you reading and re-reading all of your previous conversations.

Join a Club

Whether it’s a motorcycle club, one for knitting, books or hill walking – a club will be a great way to get you out of the house and around like-minded individuals. It might even be one that gets you fit and healthy.

Make a Clean Break

When it comes to healing, it’s wise to start off by making a clean break if possible. In some cases going “no contact” will not be an option (you may have kids, school or work together). But in the early days especially, in order to heal it’s generally best if you can make as clean of a break as possible. If you do have to see and speak to an ex, then aim for LC (limited contact). It prolongs the healing process when you try to remain in contact with ex, be friends with an ex (benefits or otherwise). Sex with an ex though tempting is rarely if ever a sound idea to get over it.

Write a Letter to Your Ex (But Don’t Send it)

There is something really therapeutic about writing down all that you want to say to your ex boyfriend or girlfriend.  The thoughts might range from “I miss you” to “I hate you” – or anything at all. Far too often I did write letters to the exes and either they got me no response or I regretted in the end. I soon learned to write in a No Contact journal for myself.

Learn Things: Attend Workshops or Seminars

Take a look around for events online and find some workshops or seminars that you can attend to learn new things and meet new people. They could be business related, sports, psychology or personal development…anything really. Chances are they’re happening regularly in any cities near you.

Redecorate or Move House

Depending on your situation, simply redecorating or shuffling the furniture can add a mental shift in your life. I have already mentioned buying new bedding which this kind of ties in with. It can simply make your space feel fresh. In some extreme cases, I have heard of people moving house entirely. That’s one way to create all new memories but again a bit drastic.

Box Up the Mementos

Take those pictures, clothing items, stuff animals, trinkets, CDs, books or anything that you have that remind you of your ex and put them away for those early days, weeks or months. I personally learned the hard way not to just bin them. Once you’ve healed and are either over it or more ambivalent will be the time to decide whether to dump or donate stuff. But in the early phase of recovering from a break up, I would recommend you just put them out of sight until you can deal with it, unemotionally.

Go Back to School to Retrain or Take a Night Class

As above where I recommended learning new things by seminars and workshops, this is a bit more dedicated and serious. I’ve seen SYBD-ers go back to school to graduate or even get higher degrees like MBAs and PHDs. It’s a wonderful way of turning your pain into gain by retrain. You’ll be so consumed with assignments you won’t have time to be overthinking things about an ex boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife.

4.pngGet Fit

Well in some cases it can be said we let ourselves go a bit. We maybe have spent more time on our relationships than working on our own health and fitness. So here is where taking up karate, swimming, the gym, running, biking, soul cycle, or anything else you fancy can really help you use fitness to feel better. Get those endorphins swimming and you’ll feel better each time you do!

Find a Support Network

Our family and friends mean well but often, unless they’re going through a split too, they can end up doing more harm than good. So finding people who may be going through what you are, can be a God-send. There are plenty of online forums and you may find some support type groups locally on sites like MeetUp.

Listen to Empowering Music

5

Music is such an amazing emotional transformer. It can make us feel great and can make us feel sad. The trick is to find the music that makes you feel ready to take on the world. For me it’s often “old school” R&B (from my early roller skating days) but can also be some “alternative 80s” music. If I am feeling particularly low – I can throw on a playlist like that and it will perk me right up. Also if I am suffering the “Rage Stage” as I call it – I opt for really hard rock to help me dissipate the anger. So it’s just about finding your go-to music to make you feel better.

Get a Hobby

Do you have a hobby that you love? If not, it may be the time to find one. It can be sporty, arty, creative, altruistic, collecting (anything),…Just find something that will allow you to lose yourself in it for a while. My “sidehustle” is a hobby that makes me money (my fave kind of hobby). I design books, shirts, mugs, stickers and more for Print on Demand sites like RedBubble, TeePublic and Amazon. It’s a great and cathartic way for me to lose myself in something for hours that I can potentially make money from while I sleep. What could be better?

Date yourself

Does that sound a bit lame? Maybe. But really it’s about treating yourself well – take yourself out to the movies, a gig or a meal. Do things you’d like to be doing with someone special, because you would be. You’re special and worth it. Eventually the chances are you’ll be dating someone else again in the future, but why wait to go see that film you want to see, or try that restaurant you want to try? The time is now.

Cry

My mother always used to say “a good cry will add seven years to your life”. (So by that token, I should probably live until I am 293).

Crying is a hugely gratifying way to get that pent emotion out of you. It’s healing and cathartic and perfectly acceptable for men and women. Let no one tell you otherwise.

Many-a-post was written on SYBD’s forum by men who were at work, or home, and in tears.

Though there is often a stigma of men can’t be weak, screw that, it’s human to cry when feeling pain. Just find your own place to do so, where you won’t feel judged or embarrassed – and then let it all out. Crying is good for the soul. Better than suppressing it.

Treat or Reward Yourself

This is similar to some previous suggestions, but really you just need to be kind to you. Maybe if you go a day, a week or a month without contacting your ex, you treat yourself to something you have been wanting or go some place you want to go. Gamify your life by setting tasks and appropriate rewards.

Reconnect with Old Friends

Often people, when they get into relationships, make that their priority. It can mean that friendships can suffer. So take some time to reach out to some old friends you’ve not spoken to in some time. This is something that has done wonders for my social life and I highly recommend just phoning them up. It can also work to simply reach out to someone you’re connected to on Social Media but haven’t spoken to in a while.

Accept Invites

After a breakup, it can be very hard to get motivated to go out. There is a real temptation to say “no” to any invites that come your way – opting to stay in and stream your fave box set.

The thing is, if you shift your mindset, and go out, you may just be surprised how good of a time you have.

There have been countless times when I wanted to say “no” to a gig or a party, or other event – only to go and have a surprisingly good time when I went.

Do Affirmations

Affirmations can get a bit of a bad rap sometimes but really they can be good at shifting our negative thinking. They are simply positive statements that can challenge any self-sabotaging thought patterns. You can simply do a search for popular ones or make them up yourself. All you need to do is make sure they’re in the present tense “I am healthy and happy”. Ensure you always use positive words, in the affirmative. (Avoid can’t, don’t won’t, etc). Make them statements.

The trick, if I may offer a small piece of advice, is to always say things you believe or believe are possible. I used to walk around saying “I’m a millionaire” and my mind kept calling “Bullshit” suggesting I look at my bank balance. So no wonder it wasn’t actually happening.

So I changed my own affirmations to statements that offer no “resistance”. For example “I love making money while I sleep”. (Absolutely no resistance to that one). This is a video from the Honest Guys and I thought it was going to be a piss-take but I listened to a chunk and it seems pretty genuine and I liked the ones they chose.

Ask Good Questions

When we go through breakups or divorces, we can be prone to asking all the wrong questions. It might be things like “what did I do to deserve this?” or “what’s wrong with me?” or “what’s s/he got that I don’t have?” or any number of ill advised questions. Better to ask yourself “what can I learn from this situation?” or “what can I do differently next time?”

Clean House

Cleaning can be therapeutic. Clean out your car, your bathroom, cupboards or closet. There is something cathartic about dealing with thing that you have absolute control over (unlike your relationship’s ending).

Take a Walk or Drive to the Park or Beach

Who doesn’t enjoy some time in nature – be it at the beach, in a park, by a lake or river? It’s a great way to clear your head. Take a journal and write some notes to clear it even more.

Get a Breakup Buddy

It can be helpful to find someone to be a breakup buddy. It doesn’t have to be someone who’s going through one at the time, but it sure can help. It would be a challenge to find someone who is going through exactly what you are, at the same time, but even if you find someone who’s been through something recently enough to know how it feels, it can really be beneficial. You could send emails or texts that you want to send to your ex to your breakup buddy. Or perhaps if you’re in the same area, meet up to talk about stuff. A breakup buddy is not likely to tell you to just “get over it” – they’re more likely to be sympathetic having just been through it (or currently going through it).  Often on the SYBD forums we had breakup buddies become really close friends – even meeting up in different cities and countries with them. It was nice to be able to facilitate that connection through SYBD.

Finally, Just Have Faith

As hard as it seems right now, it’s good to have faith that, even though it’s perhaps challenging right now, (perhaps even hellish), it will get better in time.

Trust that if you want to get over it, you will.

Having witnessed thousands of breakups over the last two decades on SYBD – I have seen how people often not only survive breakups and divorces but they actually thrive. Everything passes. The good and the less so. Or to use another cliche, no storm lasts forever.

What are Some of Your Tips to Getting Over it?

Some of these are pretty random, I know. I’d love to hear some of your ideas…Big or small, what is helping (or has helped) you get over your ex?

Have You Ever Been Ghosted?

Have you ever been ghosted? So You've Been DumpedHave You Ever Been Ghosted?

#TBT: Archive Post…

Have you been Ghosted? Do you know what that means? I’d never heard the word until the other day with on the phone with a friend and it made me laugh, though, when it happens to you it’s no laughing matter.

Ghosting is the act of being the victim of the disappearing ex. It’s when you’re dating someone or in a full blown relationship – happy texting, emailing and speaking to this person daily – only to one day have all communication stop.

Poof! They’re gone.

From that point on, all texts, voicemails, letters or emails go unanswered. Not a peep. And you’re left wondering what went wrong.

In some crazier cases you may even be wondering if they’re still alive? (Surely they must be dead if they’re not calling you back?)

Your brain can’t work out how you can go from constant contact to no contact in the blink of an eye.

Well, unfortunately you’re not alone.

In fact, I’ve had it happen to me on more than one occasion over the last twenty years.

It’s always been baffling to me how you can be so close to someone one day, and yet have radio silence the next.

Ghosting may be a new name but it is certainly not new. People have been pulling the vanishing act for decades now – or longer.
It’s just that now that it has the catchy title: ghosting.
Here are a few of my tips to dealing with being ghosted.

1) Don’t Make it About You…

Is it your fault? Did you behave badly? Did you love them too much? Did you not communicate your feelings well enough? Was it something you did or didn’t do? Said or didn’t say?

The questions can be maddening, I know. I’ve asked them all myself.

Maybe you did or said something wrong and maybe not – but whatever the case may be, when someone does this sort of vanishing act, it often says much more about the one who chooses to disappear than it does the one being disappeared on.

Do you know what? Hear me when I say this:

This is probably not about YOU.

Hard as that is to believe right now.

More likely it’s about their ability to be in a relationship right now (or a lack of ability).
In the old days, I’d get so angry, hurt, indignant when it happened to me. I’d literally want to scream “coward” in their face (if they could be found)…but now I tend to try to see things from both sides.
Instead of simply reacting now to these ghosts, I try to imagine the situation from the dissenter’s shoes.
Why has he or she gone away?
Before I knew better, I’d blame myself for being not good enough in some way…(my self-perceived shortcomings varied from relationship to relationship).
But then I actually had some of my “Ghosts” come back…sometimes it was weeks others it was months (or longer) later but return they did.
And each time, when they did come back, they explained reasons that had nothing to do with me. I’d wasted so much time trying to figure them out, trying to work out how I’d screwed it up, and then, more often than not, it turned out it had nothing to do with me.
It was work, or health, or family issues – or some other conflict that wasn’t really anything to do with me. I was just the easiest one to cut from their lives (temporarily).

2) Avoid Chasing a Ghost

It’s a natural reaction to want answers. You feel like you need closure so you hound them with texts, emails, or voicemails etc. If they haven’t replied to one or two – then back off. If someone is pulling away – let them go.
If there’s a reason to apologise then do so once and be done with it. You don’t need to chase anyone who’s walked away from you. Look in the mirror and remind yourself you are worthy of love and if someone can’t see it they’re not right for you. You don’t have to chase them down and beat them until they succumb. If someone can’t see your worth they’re not worthy of your love.

Every week someone would come to SYBD or to the SYBD Facebook page to tell me their story about the ghosting ex. They often start out the same – things were great, all kinds of communication and then BAM – nothing. Crickets.

Usually at this point they have already reached out one – or a dozen times – with no response. And they’re asking for my magical advice to say “just the right thing” that will illicit a response. The perfectly composed message to bring the ex back. I wish such words existed but the fact is they don’t.

If a person has chosen to leave your life – whether with warning or simply disappearing on you – then you have your answer. Someone either wants to be with you or they don’t. If they don’t then all the words or gestures are likely to be fruitless.

3) Remember You’re Still Worthy

‘A Course in Miracles‘ talks about there being only two emotions ever – Love and Fear.

All of our behaviour stems from one or the other, at least in its simplest form.

So if we take that theory – that says when an ex disappears it’s likely stemming from some sort of fear. Well it’s certainly not out of “love”, is it?

It may be they’re afraid of how you’ll react if you’re told “it’s over” face to face.

They may be worried they’re not worthy of love on some level (not good enough, smart enough, sexy enough or worthy of love). A lot of people feel that way at the deepest core.

So the fact is you have to remember that you’re still worthy regardless of what any else does or says. Because you are. I refer you to point number one.
Share Your Ghosting Story in the Comments Below - SYBD

Have you been ghosted?

Tell me your story in the comments bellow if you have ever been ghosted.

A Few of the Most Common Worries After a Breakup

sybd-common-worries-after-breakupsSYBD: 5 of the Most Common Worries After a Breakup

Apologies for the lack of blogging here on recently re-located SYBD blog, but my father passed away two days before Christmas. So, to be honest with you, blogs about breakups were not the forefront of my mind.

But yesterday, while clearing through old photos, journals and papers, I found a sheet of paper with some of the most common worries after a break up written on it. I thought I’d share what some of them were.

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you have others, and if so, feel free to leave them in the comments below…

  1. “No one will ever love me or find me sexy again”

    Oh boy, haven’t we all been there? Or, at least, most of us have.

    After a breakup, it can be almost impossible to imagine but thankfully that fear is likely to fade away in time. Take it from someone who launched SYBD almost two decades ago, I never met anyone who didn’t move on, and have someone find them sexy again, who didn’t want to.

    Some people haven’t moved on to new relationships but that’s often more out of choice, and not the fact they are not fanciable any more!

    It’s worth pointing out that just because your ex no longer wants to be with you, doesn’t mean someone else won’t think you’re totally hot stuff.

  2. “I’ll never have another relationship ever again”

    Similarly to number one, this one is so incredibly common, and it can last for weeks, months (and for some years) after a breakup.

    Again, this is often by choice though. Usually with a bit of time, distance and healing, people change their tune about relationships.

    I learned a long time to ago to “never say never” – because as I always say right after that is, “as soon as you do, the universe makes a liar out of you”.

    This one can also be “I’ll never love again”. From what I’ve seen around here, for almost twenty years now, is that people do, by and large, do go on to love again.

    And those who do want a relationship again have them. Not always, but usually.

  3. “I’ll never succeed at anything”

    Again it’s never a good idea to use “never” about anything.

    This fear is more a statement about not feeling “enough” – good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough – or insert your “enough” – as you see fit.

    Honestly we all have these thoughts from time to time. It isn’t solely isolated to a break up, but something like this can be triggered by a split.

    Remind yourself you are enough and you can, and will, succeed if you truly want to.

    I believe you can, but it’s more important that you believe you can and that you strive to succeed in whatever you hope to be a success at. You might just aim to be successfully over your ex. That’s a great start.

  4. “No one will ever ‘get me’ like my ex did”

    Another fearful thought about a dumpee’s future is that no one will ever get them, meaning understand or appreciate us, like their ex did.

    After a break up or a divorce it certainly feels that way, but honestly it’s probably not the case, it just feels like it when you’re in the midst of the angst and pain.

    Will a future partner get you the exact same? No, maybe not, but they may get you in ways your current ex never did. Who knows?

    The chances are, again, that if you want to go on to have a happy, healthy and loving relationship in the future, once you’ve healed, you will. Trust in that.

  5. “I’m never gonna be happy again”

    Oh, that old chestnut…When you’re in a heap of pain, reeling from a breakup, it can seem like you’re drowning in that misery.

    It can feel so bad that you think you’ll never be able to ever feel good again.

    Those dark days can last for days on end, stretch to weeks even months, to be sure…for some people it can even last years, but between you and me, those people are choosing that.

    Getting over it is a choice that you need to make.

    You may be weeks, or even months down the road right now, and though I don’t expect you to be “over it” necessarily, but I’d hope by now you want to get over it….

    Ask: am I a victim or a survivor? The choice is wholly down to you, boo.

    What Are You Afraid of?

    Are you going through a break up or divorce? What thoughts keep you up at night? What do you worry will or won’t happen in your future?

    Those listed were just a few of the fifteen or so I had written down on my sheet of paper but again most of them simply boil down to being or feeling “not good enough” in some way. Many of us have some of those thoughts even when we’re not going through breakups. We can end up questioning everything – about our ex, our relationships and about ourselves.

    If you’re going to ask questions, do me a favour and ask good ones…like “what can I learn from this experience?” and “how can I best bounce back to something better for me?”

Funny Breakup Lines (SYBD’s Original Archive 2001) Volume 1

funny-break-up-lines-volume-1While clearing up some old hard drives today, I stumbled across this document from SYBD’s old day’s for “breakup lines” and had to open it to have a laugh. I will maybe save some of the lines for a later post, thus calling this volume 1, but here are some to start us off. Look out for some of my top dumping lines below this first list. You’ll be amused!

People Say the Darndest Things to Dump Someone…

  1. “I just don’t feel that connection anymore.”
  2. “I don’t see you in my future.”
  3. “You know that night when you couldn’t find me? Well, I was with your sister.”
  4. “Well, when we first started dating, you were thinner.”
  5. “I don’t think this relationship is going anywhere.”
  6. “I want more holidays and dinners, and I’m opening a new salon.”
  7. “There’s something in my head and I don’t know what’s wrong – I can’t be friends anymore, I don’t need friends.”
  8. “I’m too immature for a serious relationship.”
  9. “You’re better off with someone else.”
  10. “My therapist and I decided that I should not be in a relationship right now.”
  11. “You live too far away.”
  12. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
  13. “It’s just not working out.”
  14. “You’re too old to have the number of children I want to have.”
  15. “I love you but I am not in love with you.”
  16. “I love you but I just can’t live with you.”
  17. “We’ve grown apart”
  18. “We want different things”
  19. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore”
  20. “I think we should go back to being friends”
  21. “I’m still in love with my ex”
  22. “I can’t get over the age difference”
  23. “I’m not really ready for any commitment”
  24. “You’re just an intern, and your internship just ended!”
  25. “I need my space”
  26. “I don’t want anything serious I want to still be able to have fun”
  27. “I’ve waited my whole life for this opportunity – I have to take it”
  28. “I don’t love you anymore and I don’t know if I ever did.”
  29. “I met someone else and s/he excites me.”
  30. “I’m just not ready for you yet! You make me wanna be a better man and I have to work at it!”

10 of My Fave SYBD Dumping Lines of All Time

  1. “If I have to choose between you and this glass of wine, I’ll choose the glass of wine every time”
  2. “You can analyze it until the cow’s come home but it isn’t going to change a thing.”
  3. “If you were honest with yourself, you’d admit you’re not happy. I’m doing this for you”
  4. “I have A.D.D. and just can’t stay interested in things for very long”
  5. “I’ve got family problems and too much work on. I can only cope with two things at the moment and a girlfriend is the only one I can really do without.”
  6. “Even though we’ve been together for two years, you’re Jewish and I’m Catholic. What would the Pope say?”
  7. “I’m so confused, couldn’t I just sleep with both of you?”
  8. “I wouldn’t even have stayed in the relationship this long, but you’re really good in bed.”
  9. “We have the perfect love at the wrong time.”

    And then the line that inspired SYBD, (in a sense…)

  10. “I could really fall for you, but I think I want to be a priest.”

Share Your Own Breakup Line

Feel free to share your own break up line in the comments below – whether that’s one that was maybe said to you or ones you’ve perhaps said to someone else to breakup. There have literally be thousands sent in over the past eighteen years…so I’d predict a few more volumes of breakup lines to come here on SYBD. Thanks for reading.

There is also this classic breakup line here or view my “5 Tips for Dumping your Relationship(an animated tutorial on youtube).

What Helped Me Over My Breakup – SYBD Members’ Advice

What Helped Me Over It - Breakup Advice from So You've Been DumpedWhat Helped Me Over It?

What follows are some soyouvebeendumped.com members’ advice dating back to the early days of SYBD. These words are universal and timeless and just as relevant as they were back then as they are today. The idea here, going forward on this resurrected blog, is to provide relevant and helpful content in the form of tips, stories, advice and interviews – throughout the years of SYBD.  It will be a mix of new and archive posts. Hope you find it useful

BABYG, England

When we broke up, I decided it was time to think of ME for a change. I basically started to do all the stuff that would have caused a row if we’d still been together. The feeling of freedom was so liberating it was unreal, and it really helped me get over things. I’m also saving for a new pushbike. I always enjoyed cycling, both for fun and transport, but she never liked any kind of keeping fit, so this is my liberation. Plus, it saves about £30 ($40) bus and taxi fares per week

What helped Me Over It - Breakup Advice from SYBD - Buy a Bike

MACKENZIE, England

Here’s a list of a few little things that I did to help me move on when my girlfriend ended to our 5-year relationship. These suggestions are probably pretty obvious, but they might help someone.

 

I talked to loads and loads of people, told my story dozens and dozens of times and made sure I didn’t bottle anything up. Virtually everyone I’ve spoken to (friends, parents, other family, my counsellor, even my local vicar!) was very sympathetic and understanding. I got help. I saw the doctor, and I saw a counsellor. Don’t be afraid to get help!

2. I put all the photos, letters, cuddly toys etc from her into a box, said something akin to a final farewell, and put the box into the loft. Out of sight, if not out of mind, but not constantly there in my daily life to remind me. That goes for ANYTHING that reminds you of your ex (e.g. I deleted her phone number from my mobile phone).

3. I started to exercise more. Yeah, it’s tough, and you probably don’t feel like it, but do lots of running, and I promise you, you will feel a bit better afterwards! Do anything really – running, walking, cycling, playing any sports, or even dancing.

What Helped Me Over It - Breakup Advice from SYBD - Stop Drinking -

4. I cut out the booze. Shock horror! I said to myself I don’t want to avoid the problem – I want to tackle it head on. And alcohol is of course a depressant. It might sound drastic, but it helped me! I even stopped drinking coffee, to cut out the high and the comedown! I’ve needed to get back on an even keel in order to make my emotions a bit more predictable from day to day. I made sure I was eating properly, caring about what I ate, and what it was doing to me. Now I’m not saying cut out all those tasty bits and pieces, but just treat your body better! I started treating myself with respect, and taking practical steps to push me in the right direction.

 

Of course, your emotions don’t just change just like that, but your body needs to be looked after as well.

5. Something else I did was keep a diary/journal to help get feelings out when I didn’t want to burden friends and family again with the story I had recounted a thousand times. Plus it also helped me to look back at how much progress I’d made even over the space of the first two months. I started out feeling that I just couldn’t go on, to feeling now that there just may be a way forward…

6. Finally, get the anger out. When I’ve been out walking on my own (and there aren’t too many people about…) I’ve found myself shouting and swearing out loud at her, about all her faults, and all the ways in which she’s used me. It feels good afterwards; I don’t feel like a victim so much. When you’re at home, find something to take your anger out on like soft a cushion or pillow and then punch or kick it…I know it sounds mad but it works!

what helped me over it (3).png

DALRAN, Sweden

I think talking to people can really help. I’ve done that extensively. Eventually, I got bored at telling the story, which I took as a good sign! I have a couple of friends who told me that they wish they’d talked to friends when they got dumped, instead they tried to keep it inside and deal with all the emotions by themselves. I developed a plan to put all pictures, messages, our engagement rings etc in a box and put it away somewhere. I think it’s a good plan to get her/him out of sight. I got reminded of her all the time, so I wanted to minimise any more opportunities

What is Your Advice?

What sort of advice would you give to someone who is going through a break up with an ex? Have you tried any of the advice mentioned above? Let me know in the comments below.

New and archive content will be added to this blog regularly. So please check back or follow us here on WP.

ED NOTE: Before you go, please consider check out my collection of So You’ve Been Dumped Merch over on TeePublic. I’d be happy to make any design for you, for free, just reach out to me here!

 

Breakup and Makeup Go Hand in Hand

For 15 years, SYBD has been there for men and women all over the globe in the aftermath of a split. There are tips and articles and guests posts on all aspects of recovery. There are also breakup lines to add a bit of light into people’s dark days.

Now it’s time to appeal to anyone who was ever helped by SYBD to “pay it forward” by buying some Younique by Thea makeup.

So You’ve Been Dumped founder, Thea Newcomb is trying to get to Green Status level with her Younique business. If you were ever helped by SYBD either recently or any time over the last fifteen years, then now is the time to treat yourself to some makeup and help #gettheatogreen. You can order your 3D Fiber Lashes via Thea Newcomb (email thea at soyouvebeendumped.com for more info about them) Click on the image below to take you to Younique by Thea now.

Order New3DFiberLashes+ from Younique by Thea Now!
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Thank you for your support of SYBD for 15 years. Here’s a post about SYBD’s 15th birthday last week.